Hi Joel!

Yeah, okay- So maybe this is totally off topic but not really because this made my morning.  So there I was: regretting the decision to get my ass on the elliptical-while-climbing-a-mountian-thingy at 5 a.m. while listening to the live broadcast of alien elephant invaders also known as Dubstep on Soundcloud.  Multitasking.
When I ran out of Snap Chat stories to peruse (sorry, but this my sacred time for watching what you innovators are up to in order to distract myself from the task at hand) I clicked on the Daily Mail bubble.  After swiping through groundbreaking news such as Kim K in a Katsuit and Taylor Swift's Next & Worst Feud Ever, my under stimulated mind switched  to daydreaming about going home to use way to much body wash when I stumbled upon this gem (or 'gym' if we are going to be offensively corny):

Photo: The Telegraph

Meet John Burk.  A 31-year-old veteran and 'fitness motivator' out of Fort Stewart, GA.  Now he can add internet celebrity to his resume.  Below is his eloquent rant, which I definitely recommend listening to whole thing, even if it is just to stare at his tattoos while wondering what they hell they are and if the guy inking him was subjected to a similar pep talk.  

And if 'you just can't even' sit still for 5 min, I've somehow managed to out-ADD you by summarizing the video below.  

Highlights: 

"Hey, what's up fighters" 

"Scientific studies have shown that it is not healthy to be overweight." 

"It puts you at risk for heart disease, diabetes, and all kinds of , you know, health-related issues down the line as you get older.  You know joint repair, things of that, have to get knee replacement surgery, you have to get gastric bypass."

"All these things are a direct reflection of poor choices in life."

"Your personality might be beautiful but your body is not."

"Yes, I will attack society's bullshit view of saying we should accept everybody for who they are.  They are absolutely right.  We should.  BUT..." 

"I find that utterly repulsive and disgusting."

"There are certain situations when you deal with a thyroid problem and things just like that."

Once and for all: 

WTF is a Thyroid? And is it a gluten?  

Someone please debunk this mystery for me.  

"But for most people, they try to come up with some bullshit excuse as to why they can be the way they are because of sheer fucking laziness."

"That is the cold truth of it and no one wants to accept it." 

"Be an enabler and watch them eat themselves into an early grave."

"If you need help, come to me.  I'm sitting here offering you my services."

"Just to shock the body. Just go out and have a good time"

"MOTHERFUCKER THAT'S BULLSHIT AND YOU FUCKING KNOW IT"

- Shit My Mom Says

"I was bullied"

Explains a lot, but I feel your pain, man.  

Due to my unfortunate initials I was forced to live out my days on the playground under the unwanted alias: LEG. 

 Sick shit, sick shit.  

"You're putting your children at risk for low self-confidence when you feed them shit after shit after shit."

"Some of ya'll need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting."

"Get them the fuck outside playing tag." 

whah, talk about an expensive workout trend I could get into. 

"Get a fucking little swimming pool,  Anything!"

"They're going to take the fat from here and they're going to implement it some other way." 

"Stay the fuck away from the fast food places"

- Drunk Me circa 3:15 a.m. Saturday 

"You need to change your life before a doctor comes in and says 'I'm sorry, there's nothing else we can do.  We've got to take the leg.  We've got to cut your arm off."  

After watching John's monologue more than once, I have a few future career suggestions:

1) Take Jillian Michaels' job (whatever that is currently). 

2) Resident Hardass on Biggest Loser.  I might actually start watching. 

3) Donald Trump's personal trainer.  I have a feeling you boys would get along swimmingly.  

4) Siri 2.0 because I've had it with her politeness and inability to get to the point.